


Harry Potter and the Last Dance

by agapanthe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, THE SQUEAKQUEL, ready for an edinburgh tattoo?, the love story we all deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 17:17:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17145836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agapanthe/pseuds/agapanthe
Summary: It takes two to tango. Harry had somehow managed to forget this.





	Harry Potter and the Last Dance

**Author's Note:**

  * For [small_but_mighty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_but_mighty/gifts).



It was four years since that fateful day at Hogwarts, four years since Voldeporc had descended upon the unprepared school and wreaked havoc. Every time the emotional scars were thought to have healed, you looked and there they still remained, almost as fresh as ever. 

Harry Trotter stared morosely out of the train window, looking over the sea on the east coast. He hadn’t thought to pack much, this was very much so a spur of the moment trip up to Edinburgh. 

He chuffed dejectedly. 

Things just hadn’t been the same since school, what with Hermione off getting a Masters in porciology and Ron a zombie. It really had been a hell of a pork pie. 

Indeed, things had changed a lot. 

And what’s more, things had soured in other areas of his life too; Harry was just no good at law enforcement, that was for sure. He had gained entrance into the academy with ease thanks to his status as the Hoglet Who Lived and a glowing recommendation from Dumbleboar. But even then, his colleagues on the nightly Pork Patrol had taken umbrage with Harry’s fame. They thought that he acted too big for his trots and took every chance they had to try to cut him down. 

And Draco Hogboy dumped him like already scavenged trash and ran for the hills.

No, things just weren’t what they used to be. Especially that famed Trotter self-confidence. That sure was in short supply for Harry. 

And on that especially maudlin note, the train pulled into Waverly Station and Harry jerked forward on his pillow, slightly scrabbling his trotters for purchase on the plasticky floor as he rushed to gather up his belongings and to get off of the train and onto the platform. 

Harry had decidedly not been expecting beautiful weather but honestly, he could already hear the rain landing on the roof of the station. This felt just like Harry’s luck in recent times; when it rains, your boyfriend dumps you and your best friend ends up taking on a radical new diet, which truth be told was sometimes more difficult to accommodate in restaurants than veganism. Honestly, where can you take someone when all they eat is pork? 

Affixing his carry-on sled into his mouth, Harry began to drag his cases through the station towards the lifts. They were jampacked this time of year, which only made sense, Harry supposed. After all, it was Hogmanay tomorrow night, the biggest celebration of the year. Sadly Hogwarts, which tried to steer clear of muggle holidays to avoid the wrath of the Pureswines, had never celebrated this hallowed day. 

Even if for nothing else, Harry was certainly grateful for his aunt and uncle now, as he was well familiar with the customs thanks to observing his adoptive family every year. 

And with that he struggled over the cobbles and the uneven streets, questing for his airpnb, weighed down by his bags and by a heavy heart, for this is not how Harry at anticipated this night some few years ago when he had first conceived of it. No, Harry hadn’t thought to be alone. 

He missed Draco like he missed fresh, juicy food scraps from the Great Hall.

But no! Harry refused to be a pig brought so low by some Pureswine piglet. Indeed, he was completely over that Draco Hogboy and soon everyone would know it. He had a plan. 

Harry was going to get slaughtered tonight.   
\---  
His mouth tasted like tequila and regurgitated chicken scratchings. Something syrupy and viscous was dripping onto his left ear. He was butt naked except for a fresh tattoo of the Birth of Venus with her face swapped for Hogboy’s. His pillow was warm though. 

He ripped open his eyes. 

A dark alley, the morning sunlight just cresting over the buildings. He was laying on a seething bed of rats. 

Harry was smug. 

This had definitely got his point across.  
\---   
That night, Harry decided to seek out round two, this time on New Year’s Eve itself. Standing on a terrace at the street party, Harry looked out over a crowd of revellers dancing. Harry planned to join them but maybe after another Jaegerbomb had softened him up enough to plan a Hive Til Five later tonight. 

But until then, he people watched, and wondered what he was searching for out there. Yearning for something more perhaps. 

His phone vibrated, and he looked down at the screen. There was a message from Ron to read. Harry snuffled as he took it in. 

PORKPORKPORKPORKPORKPORK

Then another;

GIVE ME THAT SWEET SWEET PORK

Typical Ron. He didn’t even both to add Harry’s name. It was definitely a group message. Ron was honestly just so bad at keeping in touch. 

Harry oinked with a mournful tone. He just felt even more lonely now. 

The song playing ended and segued into the next. Harry looked up and his eyes shone as he heard those beautiful smooth notes of his favourite song. The artist was a goddess, resplendent, her voice echoing the call of the gods. 

♫…ooohh OOOhh oooohh… ♫

Harry looked once more out over the crowd and all of a sudden, his eyes became fixed on a figure in the mass. Dressed only in pants, a red wig and a rainbow flag around his waist, the pig struck an impressive figure. 

Suddenly this majestic pig emerged from the crowd, coming straight towards Harry, who himself had frozen, struck dumb in awe of the pig before him. 

♫ …Ah, I wanna cut through the clouds, break the ceiling… ♫

Then, with no warning at all, the pig began to dance. As he did so, he began launching a seemingly infinite supply of wigs from his head and into the air, one after another. Defying all logic, gravity and the laws of physics, for the life of him, Harry could not say where these wigs went. Perhaps they were orbiting the planet now, a permanent presence surrounding the globe. 

♫ …I wanna dance on the roof, you and me alone… ♫

The pig was right before Harry now, and staring straight into Harry’s eyes like there was no tomorrow. Harry was dazed, could barely process that he was seeing. 

From out of his pants, the pig grabbed a paper fan between his teeth and began waving it around. 

Harry had never seen a sight so glorious in all his life. And he was sure that even if he lived to the ripe old age of twenty, he never would. This was the pinnacle. 

♫ …I wanna cut to the feeling, oh yeah… ♫

Tossing the fan aside, the pig began to shake his final form wig, releasing a magnificent stream of confetti that had been hidden below. The pig then proceeded to lob this long wig like a projectile directly into Harry’s face. Instantly, wads of sweaty, colour-treated, synthetic hair poured into his mouth and curled around his tongue. 

Harry gagged like his life depended on it. 

But he looked up once more as soon as he was able, for he was incapable of diverting his eyes from the glory in front of him for more than a second.   
As soon as his eyes made contact once more, he was struck dumb twofold. With the wig removed, Harry could finally take in the visage of the pig that was so captivating him. 

Staring back at him, was the face of Draco Hogboy. 

Draco smiled, with nonetheless a nervous tilt to his lips. 

“Hello, Trotter,” he oinked, shuffling and looking like he was trying to rally his confidence but was mostly just worsening his already arse-cleaving wedgie. 

Harry was stunned and, under all the anger, was nonetheless elated. That was a hell of a dance. Harry could forgive and forget anything on the back of that.

“Hogboy,” Harry snorted back, stunned. “But it’s Hogmanay, I thought you didn’t celebrate it?”

“Oh, Trotter, what kind of hog would that make me? A blind one, who cannot respect what the Hogfather has given us.”

And with this, Harry approached Draco with the intent to kiss the dashing swine, but Draco stopped him with a trotter against his front hock.

“Can I have this dance?” Draco dared to ask, heart in his throat. 

“It’s a date,” Harry replied, smiled back at him and they made their way together to the centre of the dancefloor. 

And so, they danced, mashing each other’s trotters and dancing in circles. 

Draco’s eyes were so intense they were practically lightsabres jutting out of his eye sockets. 

Harry looked down, for he couldn’t bear to look in the blonde’s eyes for a second longer for fear of falling into the dark pools. 

As he was looking down, his eyes caught on a triangular mirror to his left. At the sight, Harry could not prevent the uneasy whine from escaping, for there was something slightly off about his reflection. And yet, he struggled to ascertain what exactly it was that was making him so unsettled. He couldn’t for the life of him seem to figure out what was wrong with the image staring back at him. 

Suddenly it struck him! That wasn’t his face staring back at all but the snoutless, terrifying mug of Voldeporc!

Harry reeled back, bumping into a decidedly unprepared Draco and squealing with horror and dread. 

Harry just couldn’t understand it. How could the Dark Boar have returned? Harry had soundly bested the other pig in a cataclysmic duel in his final year at Hogwarts. It surely wasn’t possible that he had returned now to crash Harry’s date. 

But no, Harry reconsidered, that is just the kind of perverted atrocity that the Dark Boar would commit gleeful. 

That Voldeporc would stoop even to this horror was a testament to his evil and cruelty. He was renowned for having lived despite Voldeporc’s best efforts, but soon his love life certainly wouldn’t be able to say the same. 

Raging beyond belief, Harry headbutted the mirror, shattering it into 12 million pieces. 

“Try coming back from that, pigbag!” Harry grunted. 

“I will!” chortled the Dark Boar, who was stepping out from behind a column.

“Voldeporc!” Harry and Draco squealed in unison.

“Indeed,” the boar himself replied, “it is I, your porcine overlord.”

Draco and Harry locked eyes. They knew what to do. 

Draco began to dance once more, throwing all he had, both literally and figuratively, at the Dark Boar. 

Wigs, fans and his overwhelmingly powerful big gay energy, Draco gave it all, poured it out towards their old enemy. Harry started to cheer behind him, calling a crowd as well as encouragements to his gyrating partner. 

“HA,” sneered Voldeporc, “you think you can defeat me with gay? I invented gay, I was the original gay, I own you, you sniveling baby hogs.”

Harry held his breath, unsure what would happen now. It was true after all. The Dark Boar at been one of the first. 

“HA yourself,” returned Draco, a smirk entering his voice. “Is that what you think? Well, you’ve made a fatal error.”

“Have I really, swine traitor? I fail to see how,” he grunted out. 

Draco bodyrolled and gnashed his teeth, his eyes glinted with the oncoming victory.

“This is movieverse,” he snorted, and readied for the killing blow. Never for a moment did he stop dancing. 

Voldeporc paused at this, trying to think it through with growing concern on his face, which was still horrifically deformed by his evil magic. 

“Closer than brothers, was it? HA, you can’t handle the gay truth I’m packing.”

Voldeporc squealed as the truth was suddenly apparent. He tried to run, pushing his way past the partygoers in the street but it wasn’t enough to save the hog. Unable to handle Draco’s sheer majesty, the Dark Boar caught fire at once and erupted in a small, explosion that somehow managed to harm no one despite occurring on a busy Edinburgh street on New Year’s Eve. 

And just like that, the Dark Boar had been thwarted once more, never to return.

Hopefully. 

He sure had seemed to like Christmas though.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, Piggle! I love you xxx


End file.
